Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
