She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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