Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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