this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
