Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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