apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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