after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
