Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
