I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
