I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm at about main and main street
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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