A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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