You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
