There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
