if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Terrible idea I love it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
