Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
