oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
