she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
