I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
