there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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