Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
