I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Couch. On fire.
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