i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
