So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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