A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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