This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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