she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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