woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She even gives head with a lisp.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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