That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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