I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
