Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
