The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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