Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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