You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
