Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
