Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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