I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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