my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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