Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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