I just threw up on my dentist
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
