I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
