We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
