The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize