Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
