wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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