I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
