8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
