before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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