do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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