It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
