I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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