I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
