I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
