It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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