This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
