if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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