I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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