I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
