Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
