Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
