I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
