Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
