I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
