Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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