yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
