So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize