my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
