I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
