You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I deserve this hangover.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
