someone threw a dead crab at me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
