I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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