It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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