i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
