her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
