My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
