Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
