I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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