Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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