hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
