Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
