im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
