so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
